when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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