Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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