I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
