I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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