K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
