i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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