In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
