you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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