My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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