Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
