my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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