i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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