Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
