so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
