why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
