I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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