alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
