Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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