He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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