I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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