Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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