And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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