I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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