You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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