apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
