I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
