Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
