You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
