Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
