Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
