I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
