WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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