you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
