i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
