she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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