Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
