we're chasing vodka with high fives
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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