I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
