Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
