guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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