this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
