Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
