It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
