I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
