Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Shame - the story of my life.
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