I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
