I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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