i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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