My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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