He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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