after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
