Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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