I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
