My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
